OOPS! I did it again....

And so the story goes....

As if I needed anything else to add to my complete and utter confusion at the gym, guess what I bought? A heart rate monitor. Yeah....you know there's a story coming with this one don't ya? So, I strap the sucker to my chest which is somewhat strange to begin with, I mean it feels like I work for the FBI or something, and should be going under cover somewhere. (hhmmmmm, now THAT'S an interesting concept!) I put the watch on which was programmed by a trainer with my information according to the results from my physical evaluation test, and I was ready to go. Of course I never bothered to read the instructional manual because well, I never read manuals. When I got ready to start my workout, I started the watch to monitor my heart rate/calories burned/ and to keep me in the right zones. And then it began. The beeping. The continual, LOUD, obnoxious beeping. It scared me so bad, I tripped off the treadmill, and an ELDERLY couple behind me rushed to my aid (well, I'm not so sure RUSHED would be the correct term....they had to help eachother off of their machines.....but either way, they came to me.) I assured them that I was okay, but they were more concerned about the beeping noise. They wanted to know why I was BEEPING!!!! I had no idea, so I said my watch was broken, thanked them for their concern, and walked away. I was still walking around beeping, and since I was so embarrassed, I tried to find an area where there wasn't anyone working out. I started doing leg machines, but the beeping was making me lose count of my reps. Then I figured out that if I put my headphones on and turned the music up really loud, I wouldn't here the beeping. So that's what I did. I actually totally forgot about my beeping wrist. There I was gettin' my fitness on, headphones blaring, completely oblivious to the fact that I was apparently annoying the crap out of three people doing lunges beside me. Finally I get a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and there is this GIGANTIC muscle man and two sports illustrated swim suit edition type girls with him. Oh, Lord, what had I done now?? What in the world did they want with me? I pulled my headphones off. The man says: "Did you know you are beeping?" me: "Yes, I think it's broken." man: "well, can't you turn it off?" me: "ummm, well, no. I don't know how." man: "do you care if I look at it? I'm the metabolic specialist here, I know how they work" I gave him my watch and he started pushing buttons. He then laughed and said "who programmed this for you, they gave you zero heart rate range! That's why you are beeping, in order for you not to beep you would have had to keep your heart rate at 135 the entire time, and that's impossible!" Okay, this is where I should have just shut up and thanked him.....but OH NO, of course I had to open my big mouth. I was soooo nervous and embarrassed by this time, that I didn't really comprehend what he had said to me. For some reason I thought he was saying that my heart rate was too high (don't ask me why I thought that, I have gone over this again and again in my mind, and I still come up with NOTHING.....it makes no sense) So I nervously blurt out "Well, I forgot to take my HEART WORM medication today, so that might be why it's so high!".................... ................ ................. .................? .............???? ................. HEART WORM????? All three of their mouths dropped and they just stared at me. In that split second (you know like in slow motion??) I went back over what I had just said. I thought I was going to die. Right there. At the gym. Beeping. "OH MY GOSH, I mean BLOOD PRESSURE medicine!!" I tried to laugh it off, but the damage was done. All at once they started laughing. BIG time laughing. BELLY laughing. I tried to cover my unbelievable humiliation by laughing, but seriously in that moment, all I wanted to do was cry!! Man handed me back watch and very sarcastically said "Have fun!"

So FIRSTTTTT, how in the world did I get heart WORM on the brain??? And seconddddddd, why did I have to say anything AT ALLLLLLLLLL????? I am so mortified right now, he probably went right downstairs and told everyone who works there. I mean, I could hear all three of them laughing the whole way out. Oh no, and it just occurred to me that if they start swapping stories amongst eachother, they might figure out that 1+1=2, and that this is the same girl that laid naked on the locker room floor with hand soap in her eyes!!!!! OH.MY.GOSH.

Moral of the story? Read instructional manuals. This WHOLEEEEEE charade could have been avoided had I just read the ding dang instructions. I might NEVER learn......but YOU still have a chance! Go! Now! Learn from my ridiculous mistakes! And don't forget to check back here often for more tips.......I'm sure there is more to come! EEEEEEK!