Seriously? Seriously.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 |

Here we go again...and let me preface this post... if somebody doesn't fess up soon to deliberately trying to sabotage me, I am seeking professional help IMMEDIATELY! Because I must OBVIOUSLY need it!

This morning I was being SOOOOO good by dropping Ava off at school and heading straight to the gym. I even had a bag packed with clothes so that I could just shower there instead of having to come back home.

So after my workout I headed to the locker room for my shower. I grabbed a towel and proceeded toward the showers. I had forgotten to bring my shampoo with, so I went back to get it. Only to find that I had not even brought any....Ugghh....Now what? The sweaty nasty clothes had already been discarded and rolled up in a ball, and there was NO way I was putting on clean clothes the way I felt. NOT washing my hair was NOT an option either, because I had worked out the night before, and used UP that option on Tuesday night. This was workout # 2 with the same hair.......yeah, totally needed to be washed.

I begrudgingly unrolled the sweaty smelly clothes and put them back on....GROSS!!!! BUT, it had to be done. I walked out of the locker room, and over to the spa that is inside the gym. I thought I was going to have to buy a brand new bottle of shampoo, but they were so nice and gave me a small sample of some. (everybody say aaaaawwwwwww......)

There! problem solved. I took my shower, and then went to wash my face........... .......... ........... .......... Ummmm,......... NO FACE SOAP! I looked in the mirror, and well, that's where things went downhill. You see, I don't wash my face before I go to bed at night...(gasp! Horror! shock!)...Sorry, I just never have. So of course after a workout AND a shower, I had black sweaty/wet mascara circling my eyes and dripping down my face. Now ladies, you KNOW that water alone does NOT remove this stuff from your face. (probably because mascara is made of BAT POOP!! UH HUH....totally serious it...YOU'LL SEE!!!)

So there I am with bat poop running down my face wondering if I could just get through ONE day without some sort of catastrophe. I desperately started looking around to see if anyone else might just happen to be getting ready and I could MAYBE borrow some face soap or something. NOPE! No one. Zippo. Zero. Zilch. I looked in the mirror again (don't ask me why, I guess I was hoping that God felt sorry for me, and had zapped the bat poop off my face) only to confirm that I could NOT walk out of there looking like that!

Okay.....HERE is where insanity took over. In my defense, I WAS desperate, but in hindsight bat poop covered eyes really aren't that bad compared to what I left with.

I went over to the sink, squirted out some hand dispenser soap and slapped it right on my eyes without even "testing" it first............. Oh my GOSH!!!!!! How many different ways can you spell P.A.I.N???? And I mean SEVERE pain!!!!

I thought I was going to have to call 911 from the locker room! (can you imagine THAT conversation? "Excuse me, but I had bat poop in my eyes to which I tried to remove by liquid hand soap, and now I'm pretty sure one or both of my eyeballs have sizzled up and fallen out, but I don't know that for sure because all I see is pitch black and I'm stuck in a locker room.....if you have a sec, can you come get me?".....) I started dunking my face and head in the sink trying desperately to flush my eyes out. Every time I would swing my head back up, I would spray water everywhere, leaving a HUGE wet slippery mess.

By this time, I had a small audience....I mean, where were they when I needed to borrow their products??? OF COURSE they show up for the fireworks. (no pun intended.....since my eyes were ON FIRE!) And now I know how the man along the road in the bible with leprosy felt when no one offered him help. They all just looked at me like I was a zombie or something. (LIKE they've never seen anyone with devils eyes and poop running out of them.....GEEZ give me a break! psshhttt...) Well, all except the sweet "towel porter" who kindly asked me in her broken English if I needed some help. As I looked at her through the very small slits of my eyes, I lied and said no thank you.

After sitting and trying to regain some composure, I managed to get dressed (oh yeah, did I forget to mention that this all happened naked??.......... surely you didn't think I would be able to maintain even an ounce of dignity here did you??). I then put on my sunglasses, and walked out. Head held high. VERY high.

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  • Beth

    I bet you could make millions if you had your own reality TV show...but no one would believe it.

    The reason I believe you is that I have days like this, too. I cannot bring myself to tell anyone most of them, the memories makes me shudder. And you wonder why my kids turned out so good....

  • TUTU Monkey

    Oh to have been a fly on the wall......that darn bat poop!!

    :) D

  • Cinnamon*Sticks Boutique

    LOL!!! Oh Poor Heidi! How come your crazy bad days always seem to involve nudity?
    Hope your eyes and dignity are feeling better.

  • Anonymous

    Are you serious about the bat poop? I'm off to google land shortly - that is so off! As for your day, well, girl, all I can say is that your sisters in the sisterhood(!!!) - I'm sure I can speak for all the girls out there - are proud of your fortitude and your adaptability, and the grace with which we KNOW you held your head high and left with the shades pulled!!!

  • BethAnne

    Where to begin......? There are so many things I want to say, but I can quit laughing to type them....

    First of all, what are you doing nekkid out in the open for all the locker room to see? Have you no modesty? No shame? No sense that there are young, perfectly toned girls who have never given birth there to see you? No remembrance of the fact that in today's perverted world some girls like other girls?

    Secondly, what do you mean you never wash your face at night? Never? Ever? Oh dear.......

    I guess you can look at the bright side. Now you know that commercial antibacterial soap does not effectively remove bat poop from the never know when that little bit of information may save someone else the pain you went through. And isnt that really what its all about?

    Oh and I am totally Googlin' the bat poop thing! Seriously, Guano???

  • CMB

    Good morning! You visited me, so I thought I would pop over and visit you. I am so glad I did. Your gym shower story has me in stitches! What a scene. All you were doing was being good and look what happens? UGH! I'll be checking back often.

  • BethAnne

    Ummmmm, that should say I CANT (as in Cannot) quit laughing ....yeah, I am from TN - we aint too good at spellin' and typin' (or readin' and ritin' either - and dont even get me started on how bad I am at sipherin')

  • Jennifer

    Oh my goodness girl, you sure do have a thing with all things nekkid! ROFL

    Hope today is far better for you!

  • PamperingBeki

    Bahaha!! I love your imaginary phone call to 911.

    Ohhh the fun we could have together...

  • carroll

    You are too funny. Sorry to laugh, but...

    I hope your eyes recover quickly!

    Time to go google bat poop!

  • Ivette Falcon

    Yeah, I'm gonna have to BAN you from using that gym... clearly it's just dangerous in there!! How about an ice cream sundae? LOL.

  • David, Tammy, Megan and Hobbes

    I think your naked vacuumig neighbor snuck into your bag and stole all of your stuff just to set you up. The video will probably show up on U-Tube any day now...

  • Cindy

    Oh my gosh, how funny!! Probably not for you though.
    You do a great job with your descriptions. It's as if we are there with you.... but I might not want to be if you're naked with bat poop on ya. :)

  • ShortOne

    even though i did laugh as reading your story, i am truly sorry for your pain.

    hopefully your days will get better soon. but i must say i would love to spend the day doing anything with you as it looks like there would always be an adventure around any corner!

  • Sandi Hixson

    only you....only you....

  • Hollie

    Yes. I'm ready to go to your gym with you if for the entertainment!! OH MY!!

  • Danielle (Life with the Hewitt Family)

    OMG! I was laughing so hard at your story! Very Funny!

  • Patricia

    I am sorry it happened to you, but I am glad you taught the other women a lesson: No nakedness in the open in the locker room!! This is the single reason why I don't work out: I refuse to go in the locker room with all the naked women in the world.