Pandora's Box

Saturday, September 27, 2008 |

So since Pandora's box has been so graciously opened by my mother, my father, and NOW an old highschool friend, I am going to have to respond to the madness. But fair warning here.....THIS IS IT!! I refuse to humiliate myself any more on this blog. This will be the LAST humiliation post!! ............(YES! Of course I realize that is only a dream.....but it's MY blog, and I'm allowed to dream the completely impossible here!!)
Those of you who have other "stories" linked to my most witty ways, feel free to keep them to yourselves!! Unfortunately I can not control what gets leaked out, and well, because it's ME we're talking about here, there are quite a few "doosies" out there involving my bad self. I will attempt to defend my intelligence and dignity in the ones that have been brought up here on this blog, but notice I use the word ATTEMPT! I am going to give it a good effort, but as you will see, some of these "situations" are undefendable. I would have to plea either the fifth or insanity in a court of law, and even then I would get the death sentence. For sure. But for now I do solemnly swear that the following is all true. Regrettably.

Story number one. When I was somewhere around the age of fifteen, we were traveling from Iowa to Pennsylvania to visit my grandparents who lived there. We were driving on the interstate and there was a VERY VERY tall sign along the side of the rode. At the top (and I mean this sign was REALLY tall) it read: EMERGENCY PULL OFF HERE
I thought the sign was absolutely ridiculous and proceeded to ask my dad "How in the world would you get up there to pull it off, and then what would you do with it anyways?" Obviously my mind had gone in a completely different direction. I took it a little too literally.I was thinking there was a call box or something connected to the back of the sign or an emergency button you would slap when you got to the top, but couldn't figure out why you had to climb up a pole to get to it. In the middle of major traffic.
Needless to say at first my parents were speechless, and then upon realizing I was serious, about wrecked the car due to the uncontrollable laughter. At the time I soooooo didn't think it was funny. It took them forever to gain control of themselves and explain to me what the sign really meant.

My defense: I still say the sign was misleading. And why did it have to be so tall??

Story number two. After I graduated highschool, I worked as a waitress. I was always coming home with large amounts of cash. Because of this, I made frequent trips to the bank to deposit my money. During this time is when the banks started using those "night deposit boxes". When I heard of this new service, I was excited, because it meant I could swing by the bank right after I got off work each night and deposit my tips right away. So one night after work I did just that. I deposited my money in the "night drop" and went along my merry way. A few days later I was notified that several of my checks had bounced. I knew that this could not be possible because I had plenty of money in there. I called the bank and they argued with me. I asked them if they got my night deposit to which they said no. Immediately I started freaking out telling them that I deposited a large sum of cash using their new "SERVICE". The bank president then got involved and made all of the employees search everywhere, including reopening all the trash from the week. (banks keep their trash for a week or more due to crazies like me I guess....I know this because I worked at a bank once......uummmm, sooooo not THIS bank, but still a bank.....another post, another time) Anyways, when the money still didn't show up, I told my dad what had happened. My dad had his own home building business, and all of his business and personal accounts were with this bank. He was definitely well respected there. He was furious and called the bank himself. (Though, because he KNEW MEEEEEE, he questioned me, making SURE I had deposited the money, before making the call) Basically he threatened to pull all his accounts if this did not get resolved!! The president of the bank then requested a meeting with me and my dad and of course we went. We get into her office, I'm crying, and my dad is ticked and ready to withdraw all of his money. The woman starts apologizing saying that this has never happened before, assuring us that the bank will take responsibility, but first she would like to know EXACTLY when I made the deposit, what time, etc...etc.... Very indigently I start to tell my story ending with "and I put it RIGHT THERE!" pointing outside to...................................THE AIRBORNE EXPRESS MAILBOX!!!!! Oh yeah baby, I thought my dad stood a serious chance of being arrested for murder that day. Me being the victim of course.

My defense: I couldn't.......well, if she........was soooo dark.......hate boxes.....can't read very............Oh who am I kiddin'? I got nothin'. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Absolutely no defense on this one.

Story number three. This one is pretty self explanatory. Yes this happened to me while I was in college. I was pumping gas one night in the middle of winter (in IOWA), and it was so cold out that I decided to go inside to wait and pay. After paying I was so cold, all I could think about was getting back in my car and turning the heat on. As I pulled away from the pump, I thought I heard a thump (hey, I'm a poet and I didn't know it!), but didn't think that much about it. I got about a mile down the road and realized that people were honking at me. They were pointing at my gas tank. It then dawned on me that I had probably forgotten to replace my gas cap:0?) Imagine my surprise when I pulled over and found an entire GAS HOSE hanging out of my car!!!! I am ashamed to say that I was so embarrassed and mortified, that I yanked it out leaving it there along the side of the road!! Hey! If that's the WORST I did in college...we're good! Oh wait, that's not the worst.......hhmmmmm....moving on here......

My defense: Obviously since the picture above is not of ME, I am NOT the only one to have done this! It MUST be an every day occurance! I rest my case.

Story number four. One bright sunny day in the land of OZ.....I mean one day I decided to take my car through the car wash. In Georgia. Not Oz. Wish it were Oz, because then this would not be real, but no such luck, this IS real. Anyways, I was talking on my phone while I was "punching in the code" and not really paying much attention to what I was doing. The green light came on, and I moved forward. Still talking on my phone. When the light turned red I put on my brakes. Still talking on my phone. All of a sudden I started to feel a slight mist and realized that HOLY CRAP, I had forgotten to roll up the windows. I panicked, tried to get the windows rolled up and in my haste took my foot off the brake. My car lunged forward (it was a manual transmission) and before I knew what was happening, I was slapped in the face with what felt like a hundred wet belts. My glasses flew off, my phone must have flown out the window (never saw it again...), and my car was instantaneously filled with water.
This is where the details get a little sketchy, because I really don't remember how much longer I was in that torture chamber, or even if I finished the wash. I seriously think I was knocked unconscious for a while!
Yeah, this is the same car that was totalled a few months later in a pretty much standing still accident.

My defense: There was a cute boy at the gas pump who was definitely giving me "the eye" when I was getting my gas, and I was undoubtedly talking on the phone to a girlfriend about him which would EXPLAIN my absent mindedness while entering the car wash. I mean I was twenty four and NOT married people!!!! In the south that's a mortal sin!!!! I was simply trying to make things right between me and God. Rolling my windows up had NOTHING to do with getting married, therefore was LAST on my mind!

Okay, I hope this satisfies everyone for a while. A looooooong while. Because I am officially humiliated. There have been other "rumors" okay I mean true stories, mentioned about me here on this blog, but my A.D.D is on such overload right now that there is no way I can tell another one. If you only KNEW how long it has taken me to write these!! I would love to say that I attended some dingbat anonymous program or something, and that these occurrences are WELL within my past, but alas as I have stated before, I am a tragic magnet for chaos, so I am sure there will be more in the future........and maybe every ONCE in a while, I will reveal another PAST story!!!! Until then, Happy laughing! At my expense. You're welcome.

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  • Ashley Gibson

    Just wanted to let you know that I love you and you always make me laugh when I need it; whether it is Ava telling you that you can't take her to school (Cassie has asked that I not go in the school dressed a certain way) or the above explanations of your life. I love the craziness that surrounds you and the fact that you can laugh with everyone else.

  • Jennifer

    Hey girlfriend! The good thing is that we ALL have done stuff like these and live to laugh about it later.

    Just curious though, did they ever retrieve your money?? Where did it go??

  • BethAnne

    Well, well, well, the truth finally comes out--- I was wondering if you were a true blond or not. You really should sell these stories to Saturday Night Live or some other comedy show --- these mishaps could make you rich, but in the meantime they are making me laugh hysterically.

  • ShortOne

    I have few stories that compare - maybe someday I'll share, but for now, I thank you for the laugh that I so needed today! You are priceless - I said it in previous comments & I'll say it again, I so wish I knew you in "real" life so we could go places together; I have no doubt it would be adventursome & fun!!!

  • Anonymous

    I am literally laughing out loud at these. You are too, too funny. And a good storyteller to boot. :)

  • Beth

    You MUST write a book!

    And yes, we all do things like this, unfortunately, you had people witness your little mistakes.

    When I was about 7 or 8 years old, we were on a long car ride home from Grandma and Grandpa's. I was carefully watching out the window, trying to see something--for once--that no one had seen yet. I looked into some trees and saw some big brown animals...I yelled, "DEER!" just as I noticed they were just dumb old cows. Everyone laughed and laughed.

    DECADES later, my family will tease me with this. When they see cows of any color, they deadpan, "look, Beth, DEER..."

  • Anonymous

    And remember that your money was found at the FedX station on someone's desk in Des Moines! I still am wondering about the one about packing your hatchback too full and thus popping the back window so loose that it flew out while going down the interstate on your way to Texas. And then on the way home actuaslly videotaping the cop while he was giving you a speeding ticket! Need more material??

  • Anonymous

    With much affection, I have to say, you are mad! Not SO much in what you have done - cos, yeah, we all do stupid things... well, maybe not all of us... MUCH!!! - but in the way you write it. I second the book-writing... you MUST, MUST, MUST get to and write your memoirs! I'm loving "Anon's" chip-ins... You sure are a good dose of humour; my Sammo was drawing at the table while I was reading your posts, and he wanted to know why I was crying. I told him I was laughing at something REALLY funny, and he then asks in his cute little 3 year old voice... "At me?". I had to say "yes darling" cos he loves it when he makes us laugh... I'm sure we'll all be getting as much value out of him as your family do with you... Right now he's in playing with his cars and trains and animals, making lot of noises, having 'conversations' and every now and then saying "Idiot!". Too much viewing of Napolean Dynamite by the Daddy, I'd say. I must go and 'discipline' the Angel!!! Thanks for the laughs...

  • Scrapper Mom

    Poor Baby. I'm sorry we are all laughing at your expense, but I am usually the one everyone is laughing at, so it's a nice change. One night I was making a deposit at the ATM after hours. This was my husbands pay check I was trying to deposit. Anyway, I followed all the instructins on the ATM and when I went to insert the envelope with the check inside, it got stuck. Why? B/C I tried to force it into the place where cash comes out when you make an ATM withdrawal. I tried and tried to get it out, but I was so scared sitting there in the dark, I finally drove around the town until I found a police man. He came back over with me and managed to get the check was a little wrinkled, but at least back in my possession. I was just happy the check was actually still there when I got back.

    I have more, but this is all you get right now!! ha. You are just too funny.

  • Connie

    You are a good dose of laughter...and the way you are a NUT...a good NUT and I too wish you were closer to hang out boys and my husband are the funny one's in my family. I third the book idea....thanks for a good laugh after a crazy day and the heads up to go hit the potty first!
    Have a good week! Connie

  • alliekat

    This was hilarious! Give us more! I can relate to most of these. Not that I have had the exact situations, but I, too, have done some crazy things. I also have a very smart, dingy, blonde daughter who keeps us laughing frequently!

  • Bunny Chic Boutique

    My side hurts from laughing so much!! These are priceless stories and enjoyed knowing that chaos happens to someone besides me. Of course, my chaotic incidents pale in comparison. :)

    Bunny Hugs ~


  • Susie Homemaker

    Hi, I found your blog on Tutu Monkey...I am so glad I did...FUNNY! I have tears streaming down my face and can hardly see to type this! Thanks for sharing your humiliations...we all do it...we just try not to get caught!


  • Danielle (Life with the Hewitt Family)

    I love to read your stories...they always make me laugh! You are a brave girl for owning up to some of those stories.

  • Heidi

    I totally think we are soul mates. You would not believe the stories my parents like to bring up on me. (OK< maybe you do since yours made me laugh outloud!) Anyone who does that is my new best friend. Hi new best friend!

  • Brandy

    Ok this post had me rolling on the floor it was soooo funny!

  • Anonymous

    Interesting story as for me. I'd like to read more about that theme. The only thing it would also be great to see on this blog is a few photos of such gizmos as gps blocker.